Thursday, October 31, 2013


So she is back. It’s been a week now, but I don’t feel Happy. She seems to be different. She acts the same but still there is something very different about her. Maybe it’s me who is different.

She seems so open now. At times she has this look which makes me tremble, a look that wasn't there before. She has seen things and experienced things, she seems to know a lot about intoxicants, and her perspective on life in general has changed. She is more “philosophical” these days. Am I felling insecure? Maybe. Did I like her when she was dumb? Is it my ego that has taken a beating? I’m lost.

When she was here and when I loved her, I told her to travel the world and to be open to new things and experiences. Now that she has, I don’t like it. I am a glaring example of a hypocrite with his male ego bruised.

She looks more beautiful than ever, but why am I having all these feelings? When she left me I was destroyed, I felt like someone took a hammer to by soul and shattered it into million pieces. I thought about her every waking moment while insomnia crept in and made my mind his home. I wanted to see her, touch her, smell his hair. Then slowly it changed. I got used to being alone and before long I was enjoying my new found freedom. She never nagged but my new found freedom was refreshing. I felt like I was a kid again, free to do anything. Now she is back and I don’t feel any love for her.

If I leave her now, everyone is going to raise their eyebrows. I have no reason to. She looks so beautiful but I don’t feel anything, not even an ounce of love.

I can only see one way out of this and that is to question her purity. This is so very wrong but being with someone who you don’t love is also wrong. To subject her to a loveless marriage is worse. What if I give her mukti, painless death and kill myself too? I could never bring myself to do that, her eyes, her beautiful eyes. I could never see them lifeless. I should take the cowardly road out. I will question her purity and shun her away like a leper. 
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