RAM”S
DILEMMA
So
she is back. It’s been a week now, but I don’t feel Happy. She seems to be
different. She acts the same but still there is something very different about
her. Maybe it’s me who is different.
She
seems so open now. At times she has this look which makes me tremble, a look
that wasn't there before. She has seen things and experienced things, she seems
to know a lot about intoxicants, and her perspective on life in general has
changed. She is more “philosophical” these days. Am I felling insecure? Maybe.
Did I like her when she was dumb? Is it my ego that has taken a beating? I’m
lost.
When
she was here and when I loved her, I told her to travel the world and to be
open to new things and experiences. Now that she has, I don’t like it. I am a
glaring example of a hypocrite with his male ego bruised.
She
looks more beautiful than ever, but why am I having all these feelings? When
she left me I was destroyed, I felt like someone took a hammer to by soul and
shattered it into million pieces. I thought about her every waking moment while
insomnia crept in and made my mind his home. I wanted to see her, touch her,
smell his hair. Then slowly it changed. I got used to being alone and before
long I was enjoying my new found freedom. She never nagged but my new found
freedom was refreshing. I felt like I was a kid again, free to do anything. Now
she is back and I don’t feel any love for her.
If
I leave her now, everyone is going to raise their eyebrows. I have no reason
to. She looks so beautiful but I don’t feel anything, not even an ounce of
love.
I
can only see one way out of this and that is to question her purity. This is so
very wrong but being with someone who you don’t love is also wrong. To subject
her to a loveless marriage is worse. What if I give her mukti, painless death
and kill myself too? I could never bring myself to do that, her eyes, her
beautiful eyes. I could never see them lifeless. I should take the cowardly
road out. I will question her purity and shun her away like a leper.
