SADIST: I hate
being evil. My mind starts rushing, comes up with the most complex plans to
hurt someone both physically and mentally. I can feel my pulse racing; it’s
like a shot of Adrenaline. I have stayed away from that feeling for a while. I
don’t want to be that person. Then some Idiot comes along and challenges me to
a dual. You know he deserves it and my conscious which is on a tight rope
decides to take a plunge into the dark side. As I bombard him with my ice cold
strategies to reduce him to dust, my mind is caught up again warning me to
stop.
I want to stop but I’m feeling good. It’s
like when you are doing something illegal and that second before you get
caught. That feeling, the feeling of knowing imminent danger but you still
continue to wile away in your sadism. I love that part.
This wasn’t the worst thing I have done. I
have done far more things that I am still guilty about to this day. I was
feeling bad coz I don’t want to go back to being that person again. Once I lose
all control, I start enjoying pain both others and mine. It’s far more
addictive than any other drug. The worst part being you will purposely screw
things up to enjoy pain. Self destruction becomes an enjoyable activity and the
rush is more addictive than cocaine.
I have trained my mind to be nice. I know
that, it’s like trying to tame a wild beast but I have to, for my sake and for
the sake of people around me. When I slipped, my mind started giving me
justifications for it. He deserved it. People might see the funny side of it. At
one point it started quoting the “Bhagawat Geeta”, you know the conversation
between Arjun and Krishna.
I’m going to focus harder. Think positive
thoughts, read more Vivekananda and maybe cleansing the soul will help tame my
mind.
