Thursday, September 22, 2011

SADIST: I hate being evil. My mind starts rushing, comes up with the most complex plans to hurt someone both physically and mentally. I can feel my pulse racing; it’s like a shot of Adrenaline. I have stayed away from that feeling for a while. I don’t want to be that person. Then some Idiot comes along and challenges me to a dual. You know he deserves it and my conscious which is on a tight rope decides to take a plunge into the dark side. As I bombard him with my ice cold strategies to reduce him to dust, my mind is caught up again warning me to stop.
I want to stop but I’m feeling good. It’s like when you are doing something illegal and that second before you get caught. That feeling, the feeling of knowing imminent danger but you still continue to wile away in your sadism. I love that part.
This wasn’t the worst thing I have done. I have done far more things that I am still guilty about to this day. I was feeling bad coz I don’t want to go back to being that person again. Once I lose all control, I start enjoying pain both others and mine. It’s far more addictive than any other drug. The worst part being you will purposely screw things up to enjoy pain. Self destruction becomes an enjoyable activity and the rush is more addictive than cocaine.
I have trained my mind to be nice. I know that, it’s like trying to tame a wild beast but I have to, for my sake and for the sake of people around me. When I slipped, my mind started giving me justifications for it. He deserved it. People might see the funny side of it. At one point it started quoting the “Bhagawat Geeta”, you know the conversation between Arjun and Krishna.
I’m going to focus harder. Think positive thoughts, read more Vivekananda and maybe cleansing the soul will help tame my mind.
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