THE HAPPENING

Why don’t you just come out and say what you want to. Ask your heart, is this what I need and the answer will be variably yes, coz intelligence is the greatest aphrodisiac. Let’s burn the world with the loins that could consume you and me when not together. You are the ying to my yang.

This conversation seems to be happening telepathically although involuntary and arbitrary as it seems. The boundary seems to be too rigid as one tries to be a good guy. It is time to shed the masks that make us want to be respectable, when it comes to this respect leads to inhibitions. Inhibitions can be shackles that won’t let us enjoy the time that we have together. This time can be extended to infinity if only you will open up your heart and see. I’m not in this for instant gratification rather an enlightment that would last a life time. 

RAM”S DILEMMA

So she is back. It’s been a week now, but I don’t feel Happy. She seems to be different. She acts the same but still there is something very different about her. Maybe it’s me who is different.

She seems so open now. At times she has this look which makes me tremble, a look that wasn't there before. She has seen things and experienced things, she seems to know a lot about intoxicants, and her perspective on life in general has changed. She is more “philosophical” these days. Am I felling insecure? Maybe. Did I like her when she was dumb? Is it my ego that has taken a beating? I’m lost.

When she was here and when I loved her, I told her to travel the world and to be open to new things and experiences. Now that she has, I don’t like it. I am a glaring example of a hypocrite with his male ego bruised.

She looks more beautiful than ever, but why am I having all these feelings? When she left me I was destroyed, I felt like someone took a hammer to by soul and shattered it into million pieces. I thought about her every waking moment while insomnia crept in and made my mind his home. I wanted to see her, touch her, smell his hair. Then slowly it changed. I got used to being alone and before long I was enjoying my new found freedom. She never nagged but my new found freedom was refreshing. I felt like I was a kid again, free to do anything. Now she is back and I don’t feel any love for her.

If I leave her now, everyone is going to raise their eyebrows. I have no reason to. She looks so beautiful but I don’t feel anything, not even an ounce of love.

I can only see one way out of this and that is to question her purity. This is so very wrong but being with someone who you don’t love is also wrong. To subject her to a loveless marriage is worse. What if I give her mukti, painless death and kill myself too? I could never bring myself to do that, her eyes, her beautiful eyes. I could never see them lifeless. I should take the cowardly road out. I will question her purity and shun her away like a leper. 

THE LADY OF THE LAKE AT 11:36

The Internal

Little did you know the mind could mold. For it melts from within and a new form takes shape. Disciplined, compartmentalized and fully in touch with your emotions. The surge of energy that it pushes out through your veins takes grip of who you are. An internal turmoil settles. The perspectives broaden out into the horizon, touching the Sun as he shines brightly on all of us.

The External

The Harmony of the place astonishes you, while peace is the air you breathe. Every little drop striking the earth scares you, while knowledge feeds your soul. Every step taken reassures you, while every turn throws up a doubt. Little by little you can feel your feet growing roots to nourish the weak inside. 

THE MUSE

















Art comes from everything. Every experience, every memory, everything tangible, everything intangible, everything can be Art. The muse is hidden everywhere around us, we need to tear away our self imposed blindfold and find her.

PART ONE

When I was younger, I had a lot of angst. I wrote. Every thought I penned down was caustic, yet shrouded in poetic beauty. I vented through words. It was my drug and I got addicted. I thought I couldn't write if I wasn't angry, if I wasn't miserable and I pushed myself down the stairs of Hell to get my high. I was delusional, naive and too young. I was consumed by the thought that misery alone can inspire great pieces. People loved it. The clichéd troubled manic depressive writer who hates his life seems to sell better than anything else. I lost a lot of friends and made some bad choices. I was getting deeper into my own ill conceived trap.  Then it happened, I was consumed by my own despair and needed to get out.

PART TWO

Everything you are looking for is within you. I went looking for answers. A million questions kept multiplying in my head until my head couldn't make out the answers from the questions. I thought that was a mistake. I thought I was never meant to part misery. Then it happened, my mind started settling into its new home. A beautiful place where there was just peace and nothing else. Nothing bothered me. I was in control. I made things happen with just a thought. Align universes. Let myself soar.

Then it happened. Everything turned into inspiration. My mistress; misery gave up and fled while my old lady muse decided to stay. Writing about the universe that I stumbled upon within me put a smile on my face and on the others. Every experience became an inspiration for a piece and everyone around me started contributing to my growth.

Tear that blindfold and burn it. See the world for what it truly is. Heaven. 

BEING A CRICKET FAN IN INDIA: It is not easy to find a cricket fan in India. In a country obsessed with cricket this statement feels rather contradictory but the bitter truth is - India is obsessed with Indian cricket not cricket in general. In Comparison a football fan in India would watch any form of football. You may argue that it is because Indian football team is ranked 162^nd in the world and what little they play doesn’t make for compelling viewing experience either.

Agreed the argument does pale in comparison with the hysteria associated with cricket in India but are they true fans of the game? Are they willing to travel miles together and watch a Ranji Trophy match? Given the overall population of fanatic Indian Cricket fans, the ones who take the effort to do this are miniscule when compared to the “Fans” who flock to see an IPL match.

The biggest concern for a true cricket fan is not whether the so called God can get his 100^th 100 but our performance in the Test Arena or should I say the future survival strategies that we need to adopt to avoid embarrassments. With the Big Three about to retire from the longer format of the game coupled with the slow death of enthusiastic fan following for it, the true fans of cricket in India will face a drought of quality cricket for a few years to come.

The “Indian Cricket fans” however, do not have to worry about such silly predicaments, as India will still win at home even in Test matches thanks to the tracks that will help even a part-time spinner pick up enough wickets to make him delusional enough to call himself an all rounder. The Big Carnival called IPL is only going get bigger; I suspect they will add a few landmines to make things more interesting.

So the question is why do people in India act the way they do if they don’t truly respect the game for what it is? The Answer is much simpler than one suspects. Indians like math, this is one of the reasons why we watch cricket. We are obsessed with batting averages, strike rates, and of course the much talked about 100^th hundred, because that makes 10000 runs in centuries. The guy who is about to achieve this magnanimous feat is an Indian and this does play into it a little bit. If an Aussie or a Brit was to achieve this it would make little impact in the Indian Cricket obsessed media.

One thing that puts a smile on the faces of true cricket fans is the revival of good cricket in the past few years. The overall standard of the game has risen after the lull that was created in the international circuit after the retirements of great cricketers, especially the ones from the Australian team. This revival is very promising. The questions that loom large over the younger generation of Indian Players will be answered very soon and we will know whether they can stand the test of time like the current senior players.

However, it doesn’t take an expert to gauge the temperament of the real cricket fans in India, who even after the thumping victory by the Indian Cricket team in the biggest stage of them all had a melancholy smile as they knew the road ahead was laden with thorns. And this indeed was proven right, ever so succinctly by the same team in the England series. With the Australia tour coming up one can hope that this entire article will be rubbished by a thumping victory by the young Indian team in turn transforming the real cricket fans into becoming Indian Cricket fans.

GUY FAWKES:  The Mask of Guy Fawkes has become the symbol of revolution across the world. Anybody who has seen “V for Vendetta” knows that Wachowski brothers are the ones responsible for this phenomenon.

The funny thing is that even people who are gathering at Zuccotti Park protesting against wall street in the now famous “Occupy Wall Street” are also using this as a symbol. Do they know what this symbolizes? If they knew they wouldn’t use it. Let me explain this to the poor souls who haven’t Googled “Guy Fawkes” yet. Guy Fawkes was associated with the biggest failed plot against authority. So, if you are fighting against authority why would you use this as a symbol?

Not just this when tortured he spilled the beans and gave up the names of all his co-conspirators. This showcases the blunders of revolution in the civilized world where we are brain washed by the media so much that a revolution is close to impossible. The protestors at Zuccotti park for instance are going for a horizontal decision making committee for they believe a vertical structure will create a hierarchy amongst themselves which would reflect the system that they are fighting. Sounds good as a theory like how communism makes sense on paper. The end result of such a weird decision making system has been the fact that they cannot come to a consensus and haven’t even decided on the terms for which they are fighting for.

Revolution can always be sparked off easily when you know your enemy. When you can put a face to him and organize people to take up arms or a peaceful protest against him. Everyone has been excited since 2010 as a result of numerous revolutions in countries like Egypt, Libya, Syria, Morocco and Yemen. Can this be replicated in countries like the USA or India? Highly unlikely. The reason being we don’t know our enemy. There is no face to our enemy as we are fighting a system. While people are trying to Occupy Wall Street rather unsuccessfully the policy makers who are responsible for the economic debacle are sitting pretty in Washington. Without a proper decision making committee there are just hoardes of people gathering at Zuccotti Park and chanting slogans and picketing. Is this really a revolution? And the Guy Fawkes’ mask makes the whole thing rather humorous to watch.

THE CONTEST: CNN IBN was running a contest, asking the contestants to write a piece about their favorite movie and why it is their favorite, in 200 words or less. These are my 200 words.

Every night I take the DVD out of the shiny cover and dump it in the drive. Dust brothers’ soundtrack takes you to a place where even insomnia seems like a blessing. Tyler says, this is the best book to movie adaptation. Chuck Palahniuk is a genius, he says. I feel threatened by chuck, I disagree. I tell him LOTR was better.

Tyler says, reading books have never made anyone famous only writing them has. If nobody reads them then how do they become best-sellers? Advertising has us chasing cars, clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. Pretentious people buying books to decorate their drawing rooms. Faking intelligence in a world filled with idiots. That’s why books sell. It started to make sense in a Tyler sort of way.

       Why this movie? Because after watching it, everything in the world gets the volume turned down. Nothing can piss you off. Your word is law, if other’s break that law, even that doesn’t piss you off. Tyler’s words coming out of my mouth.

People are always asking me, do I know Tyler? People are always asking me, which is my favorite movie? Isn’t it obvious?

PS: I didn’t win.

RESUME: This is a resume I had written a while ago when I was applying for the position of Content Developer in Ad firms.

Ever since I was a kid I always thought about the future. My future.

The first thought I can remember is me wanting to be a Rock. A boulder, a stone. I would stand for hours in the hot sun wanting to be the perfect rock but the competition in that world is unparallel, even the little rocks were doing a better job than me being completely Immobile. That's when I decided I should be a turtle.

My Dad on hearing this smacked me on my head and said I should pick something that human beings do, that way I might be more successful.

I thought, I thought for an entire day and it came to me. I wanted to be a detective. Some one cool and suave. Someone who would put all the superheroes to shame. Then I saw James Bond. I knew my spot was already taken.

Meanwhile, like any other kid growing up in the 90's India, I discovered Cricket. I was good, so good that I knew I would give Tendulkar a run for his money but my Dad told me that he is an Avatar of God and God's should not be challenged. Sachin thanks me even to this day for letting him be who he is.

I started drawing all the things I wanted to be. The walls of my room were covered with my hand drawn images of Rockstars, to Politicians to Bikini Inspectors.

I was lost in my thoughts again. Future was looking bleak. To vent my frustration I started to write. My teacher thought I should be the editor of the school magazine. So I did and wrote some more.

The teacher who inspired me was a Software Engineering Graduate and he was always good with the ladies. I had hit puberty and that made me want to be a Software Engineer. Now when I look back, I was so naive to think that Software Engineers can get ladies, I mean get laid.

I ventured on, for my Dad had his Smith and Wesson cocked and at my temple. I joined B.E Computer Science at Acharya Institute of Technology in 2003. Soon enough I realized my mistake, instead of attractive beautiful women, I knew was going to Repel them for the rest of my life. I lost interest in Engineering.

One rainy evening, I went looking for myself, instead I discovered Football. To my surprise my body already knew how to play without my mind realizing it. My Malluness was kicking in. I wanted to go pro, then the darkest dawn of my life Dawned on me. I broke my back in a tournament.

I had also tried my stint at Bike Racing and broke my shoulder. Tried being a Professional Gamer and almost lost my eyes. Tried being a Beer drinking Champion and almost lost my liver.

Between all these my college days got extended to seven years instead of four. I was ecstatic my parents were furious. It gave me joy to meet new people, kids younger than me my juniors. I was the father figure of my college.

I wanted to quit several times. My Dad wouldn't let me. He asked me to stay in school and not to do drugs. I fulfilled one of those promises and finished my Engineering with 55% marks in 2010.

I continued drawing and continued writing. My Blog (http://phatcougar.blogspot.com/) became popular. At one point I had 170 followers from across the Globe. I was happy but broke.

My Best friend suggested we hunt down our dreams and start a Design firm where we can put all our talents into play. I was to become an entrepreneur. We started a Design Studio with no money. I felt like a chicken with his head cut off. I didn't know head or tails about the industry. It took me almost two years to understand the Industry unfortunately by then we had to shut it down.

I always had happiness, now I was looking for money. So like any other Engineer who doesn't want to be an Engineer. I joined HP on 12 of January 2011 as a Service Desk Analyst. That's a fancy way of saying I am a 20 something Call Center Technical Support Engineer.

I'm still Confident I will script my own Future. I'm also good at photography, I shot and directed one episode of a web based show called “Under the Sun”, using my compact digital camera. Unfortunately it lasted only two episodes. But now I know, I got Mad Skills. All I need is an Opportunity. - Girish Kumar Atuvalaipil Madhavan.

ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL: How would you feel if your entire life was mapped out? Everything to the T. The time you wake up in the real life, which is the time when you start understanding your own conscience till your death. Everything. My parents wanted something like that for me. They had planned everything out. I hit 10^th standard and get good marks. They make a plan. I was given one option. I knew only one option. Take science. I like Science, but why did I take it? I don’t know. My parents said, smart people take science. How did they know that I was smart? Is it because of my marks? In that case, even a blind donkey with dementia can secure good marks in the Indian Education System. So I may or may not be smart or might even be a donkey.

I’m in 12^th standard and everyone says my options are limited to Engineering and Medicine. Why? Smart people are doing it. By now I don’t want to be smart. It seemed like dumb people have more options in life. They are even allowed to draw and paint. Since I’m allegedly smart I’m supposed to memorize a lot of theorems and equations and crack exams. What about all the things I like doing? All the small things that bring you enormous joy like playing football in the rain or cricket on a hot summer’s day. I don’t want to be smart.

This was the moment where I was at the brink of losing it and what pushed me over was the chat I had with my parents. Their plan was set in stone. They had already chosen engineering. They told me “Son you are doing Computer Science Engineering”. What? “Yeah and get good marks”. Then What? “Get into a software company”. Then What? “You should get married”. Then What? “You should have kids”. Then What? “Don’t be stupid you will be leading a good life”. I guess then I die. That’s when I realized ever since my birth everything was planned out. I lost my mind. I wanted to cut short the arduous journey to death by a single GSW to the temple. I decided to do a complete U-turn instead. I screwed my life up. My life became a 2 million piece jig saw puzzle that has been scattered around the cosmos. Now I’m in the fun part of putting it all back piece by piece the way I want it. There are no more rules. I intent to stack them together vertically with super glue and call it’s done.

My life has started its metamorphosis into a beautiful art work. As they say, there is nothing called a bad art work as long as it invokes some emotional response from someone. I can proudly say I have lived a very fascinating life.

Don’t plan everything. Enjoy Life’s surprises they have a way of spicing up things. 

SADIST: I hate being evil. My mind starts rushing, comes up with the most complex plans to hurt someone both physically and mentally. I can feel my pulse racing; it’s like a shot of Adrenaline. I have stayed away from that feeling for a while. I don’t want to be that person. Then some Idiot comes along and challenges me to a dual. You know he deserves it and my conscious which is on a tight rope decides to take a plunge into the dark side. As I bombard him with my ice cold strategies to reduce him to dust, my mind is caught up again warning me to stop.

I want to stop but I’m feeling good. It’s like when you are doing something illegal and that second before you get caught. That feeling, the feeling of knowing imminent danger but you still continue to wile away in your sadism. I love that part.

This wasn’t the worst thing I have done. I have done far more things that I am still guilty about to this day. I was feeling bad coz I don’t want to go back to being that person again. Once I lose all control, I start enjoying pain both others and mine. It’s far more addictive than any other drug. The worst part being you will purposely screw things up to enjoy pain. Self destruction becomes an enjoyable activity and the rush is more addictive than cocaine.

I have trained my mind to be nice. I know that, it’s like trying to tame a wild beast but I have to, for my sake and for the sake of people around me. When I slipped, my mind started giving me justifications for it. He deserved it. People might see the funny side of it. At one point it started quoting the “Bhagawat Geeta”, you know the conversation between Arjun and Krishna.

I’m going to focus harder. Think positive thoughts, read more Vivekananda and maybe cleansing the soul will help tame my mind.

THE QUEST: It’s a dark evening, and then it starts to rain. We can feel Evil in the air. We throw caution to the wind and get on our ride. She is a supped up two stroke machine built it Hell. Her power is Legendary. If you don’t know how to ride her, the fear alone is enough to kill you. If the fear doesn’t get you, the massive burst of Adrenaline will. Shaolin – that’s her name. I have had my share of love quarrels with her. She has tossed me up in the air, threw me across the tarmac, crashed into other vehicles but we survived, we love each other. I like it rough and she knows it.

Today I was going to push her. She doesn’t like the rain but I had no choice but get her drenched. She gets intoxicated by rain, loses control over her power and her Balance. I know I’m pushing my luck, but I have no other choice.

We begin our journey; my pillion is my friend, the great warrior from Punjab. He had seen enough battles in his lifetime to know how important this one was for our kind. He had missed the last great battle which to this day he regrets. When I wanted him by my side he wasn’t there, he knows I’m disappointed. He wants to make amends. Dressed in his tradition turban and his warrior “kada” he is ready to take on the rain.

The strategy was to meet up with one of our allies. The Big man. He was getting an Oracle along to foresee our future. We were to meet them at the intersection of four big roads – “The Empire”, where helpless birds were devoured. We sent signals before we left so that they can reach the rendezvous point on time. En route we decided to empty the treasury, for in a situation like we are in now, we don’t know what lies ahead. With our pockets full and a single minded focus to achieve our goal, we forge ahead. The rain intensifies, Shaolin doesn’t like it. She starts kicked and swerving. I keep my mouth shut and try to control her. The great warrior from Punjab is at his best when he is calm. I didn’t want to worry him. The Oracle starts speaking to the warrior telepathically. We need to reach “The Empire” quickly. Time has decided to sabotage the whole operation.

I didn’t confess to my friend about something. I have a disease, I can’t understand direction. I’m moving ahead with Blind faith that I will reach the destination. The warrior sits behind me, not knowing the internal turmoil that is burning my soul. Stay calm my friend, I need you for this one.

We reach “The Empire”. I see the Big man and the Oracle, they seem to be in love. I could see the darkness engulfing the skies to the East, I signal to the Big man to get his ride and follow me. I ride towards the west full speed ahead. Time wants a win real bad, so he has allied up with his nemesis the Rain. My visibility has reduced, my heart is pounding. I can see bright lights coming towards me. I don’t slow down, I throttle up. I want this, I need this. The Big man and the Oracle are behind us. I throttle up further as Rain feels like a flood from above. I can’t see the tarmac. I see a green light. I instinctively know I have to turn right. I bank my baby and she slides. I’m rolling on the tarmac as Shaolin comes to a grinding halt 3 feet from me. I see the warrior on his back. I can feel the Adrenaline. We are so close,our destination is not even 50 meters away.

I pick my baby up, she says she is okay and starts apologizing. That doesn’t suit her, she is my girl, and arrogance is what suits her. The Big Man and the Oracle are concerned. They have this look which suggests abandoning the voyage. My eyes disagree. One kick and Shaolin is ready to go, but where is the warrior? I look around to see him limping near “Kaya”. I ask him to cross the great divide and attack. I can’t move as the lights in the sky are red. I wait till they turn Green and twist my wrist. I’m there in a flash but the warrior, he isn’t there. I need him before I go in. The Oracle seems to be worried about the warrior. I run to him to see him covered in Blood. He says, “This is just Blood go get them for me”. So I did. The Big man, Oracle and I we walked into Planet M and bought our Metallica Concert tickets.

SHALLOW GIRL

There has been a lot of talk about how men can be really shallow and insensitive well it goes both ways. I met a girl who is so shallow that she repulsed me as much as her beauty attracted me. The moment I saw her I felt like I was struck with lightning and there was a clap of thunder in my heart but soon enough all that got drenched by the sadness of her prejudice.

My intention was not to bed her. Some women you just want to rip their clothes off and make love like rapid dogs that have a day to live. This was different. I wanted to spend time with her, get lost in her eyes and together make sense of what Bryan Adams keeps singing in his songs. I knew I was getting sappy; I went along for the ride. Wanting a meaningful relationship I drew boundaries in mind of things that I don’t want to speak about and highlighted the ones I wanted to emphasize on without coming off like a douche bag. My strategy was let the girl talk and listen intently.

Whenever I would talk she would give me this look as if everything that’s coming out of my mouth is inconsequential. I was amazed at the level of lucidity that she displayed for a 20 year old. She would tease me if I told her about my ambitions, she wouldn’t believe my achievements. She wouldn’t even consider me smart. I was finding it hard to hold a conversation as she was drifting completely off as if none of these worldly things mattered to her. I thought she was destined to be a saint. Then I made a mistake I let her talk.

Several hours of dating, rather her talking had me exhausted. All she could talk about was her dad and how she has a boyfriend with whom she has a long distance relationship. That would have scared any decent guy away but being me, I decided to pursue thinking that if I am better than that guy I can give her more happiness. I was being selfish and thinking about her happiness also. Tight rope I know. This reminds me of my ex who had given me a T-shirt which read “Morally Impaired”. I wouldn’t completely agree with her, I would say I have subjective morality.

So she would go on and on about her dad and boyfriend while I sit there thinking about Michelangelo’s Sistine chapel and existentialism. I started drifting away so I stopped and asked her to speak about something else. To my complete and utter disbelief she starts talking about shopping and how she hasn’t shopped for a week. She goes on to say she doesn’t really wear all the clothes she buys but still likes buying them. I can hear Tyler Durden in my head screaming “Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need.” She says she stands in front of a store if she likes something and wouldn’t budge until her stupid boyfriend or her rich Dad doesn’t buy what she likes from there. I’m thinking “if she weren’t so pretty would she be able to get away with it”.

By now I’m pretty sure that all that lucidity was camouflaged stupidity. I ask her whether she knows anything about the world she lives in. Her – “I’m way smarter than you think, ask me anything”. Somebody gives you a loaded gun and bets you a million bucks that you are a bad shot, what would you do? I was caught between existentialism and Michelangelo, I go with Michelangelo. I realize my mistake as I pray that she doesn’t say green color tortoise looking creature who knows martial arts. She has no clue, she doesn’t even know about Teenage mutant ninja turtles. All I can see is stupidity personified in her eyes. Lucidity, I had to be on ecstasy to mistake stupidity for lucidity.

The Last Nail in the Coffin

By now I kind of know that I’m a jackass to have seen only what I wanted to and unknowingly she got the better of me. So final questionnaire of the day, “Do you mingle with people who are below you in the social cadre?” Hell no why would I, was the answer. Lights off.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: I guess I understand why a man needs a woman. Men are supposed to be strong. Men like me never cry we stay strong for everyone around us. When a tragedy strikes you try to calm people around you. You speak to them and give them support and the strength they need at that vulnerable time. It’s our primitive genes kicking in, like a Puff Adder puffs itself to look bigger in times of crisis, like a Cobra splaying its hood out and standing erect, like a cheetah flaying its front legs to drive away predators, we puff our chest up and make ourselves look big. In spite of the agony that strikes our heart we don’t lose face. We don’t budge instead we stand tall and carry all the burden without any lapse in judgment wearing a mask of superhuman strength so that we don’t reveal the many emotions and turmoil that begets our heart.
I guess we need our women to show that we are human. I guess we need someone whom we can cry with in private. I guess we need that special lady who would believe you are strong even in your weakest hour.

ALTER EGO: I have never let my alter ego loose for the fear of it taking over me. The dark side has always been fascinating maybe thats what keeps me sane. If you disect the situation you would realise that you need to have a dark side to know what is wrong and what is right. It acts as a moral needle pointing towards the right and smacking you over the head asking you to tow the line. Ever so often I wonder what would happen if you give into that dark side. The tabooed being might take over and run amock.

After a long and complicated debate with myself I have decided to give it a spot on the net to go wild. I'm about to create a very destructive blog that just spurts out all the anger, the filth and all the psychotic tendencies onto a single page. Maybe if Freud was alive he would have seeked me out and made me his personal lab rat.Or maybe he would have buried me alive and destroyed all the forsenic evidence that I ever existed.Nevertheless an interesting experiment is going to commence soon. See you on the other side.

RELAPSE : I started writing again. It feels good. It feels like coming back home after being in battle for a while. All my scars heal quicker when I'm writing. Its magic. But I need to do something more than just ramble. Empty ramblings which make people sit up and take notice. My perspective looks good on paper but I'm learning the hard way how much you have to toil to make them real. Sometimes it doesn't even make any sense.

Some people aim for something really close to them. Sights set on something that they can achieve even if they trip and fall. Others choose something barely visible but the path has been laid out by others and which hand full of people they know have been able to achieve. I'm shooting in the dark hoping it hits the big bad grizzly, clearing my path for the elusive dream that my once twisted mind keeps telling me is real. I don't even see the grizzly so there is no point talking about what I'm heading to. Rest assured I'm going for it. There is no point in mediocrity. There is no point is rules, career, relationships or anything else. Its you and everything you dreamed of. So for everyone who reads this from time to time. I'm finally going to write a book.

BOLLYWOOD: It was a very peaceful fight. Nobody was bruised but they were battered beyond recognition. The Hero wanted the Villain to kill him but the Villain wanted to die at the hands of the Hero. The leading lady was a tramp. Which lead to the conflict at the first place and the fact that the Hero and the Villain weren’t brothers didn’t really help anyone.

This was very similar to a lot of fights between non siblings. The siblings were all murdered in the beginning of the book so that everyone automatically became a single child to their parents. The parents had the ill fate of choosing who lives and who dies.

This brought tears to the movie goers’ eyes. The crowed relished every second of drama unleashed before their tear filled eyes. Were they tears of pain or tears of joy were the topic of research for a renowned psychiatrist from a lesser known far away land. The sibling who was intended to die fought till he died, if he hadn’t fought he would be dead anyways. But the one who was victorious was not victorious over death because death always knows where you live.

Coming back to the story that hangs in the balance. The balance of life and death. The Hero and the Villain both born to different parents, fate has put them in the position of siblings. One has to die. They want blood, but their own.

Both have very low self esteem, both are in love with a tramp. The Hero shot the Villain with a knife. The Villain lived to tell the tale. The telling of the tale killed the Hero of embarrassment. He finally got what he wanted but did he deserve it?

WORD ASSOCIATION: What comes to your mind when you hear the word beauty? What comes to your mind when you hear the word violence? What comes to mind when you hear the word peace? We associate an image with every word in our head. When you hear your best friends name called out. You have his image in your mind. If you are afraid of a snake, the word snake will automatically bring terror in front of your eyes.
What if that can be changed? What if every word in your head can be given a whole new image to be associated with. Its like this, you have an image of a beautiful girl in your head. When you think about beauty that’s what pops up in your head. Then one day you see someone more beautiful walk past you. That older image is automatically substituted by the new one. Now think of beauty and you will think of the second girl.
Similarly what if the bad things are disassociated too. You think of violence and you have an image of people being killed brutally with their hands and torso torn out with blood smears all over the place. Now you train your mind to dissociate it completely. So much so that the next time you hear the word violence there is nothing but a blank sheet with “bad” written on it.
Like wise I’m trying one more thing consciously these days. I want to remove all the negatives from my conversation or at least my thought process as much as possible. I always have a list of people in my mind whom I hate and now I would rather say, I not fond of them. Every instance you say the word hate, somewhere in the subconscious you know you are not supposed to use that. This is going to be an on going experience. I will let you know about the results too.

FATIMA BHUTTO: Little Birdie came from across the border. Where things aren’t so green. She looked like she deserved better. She sings a sad song of betrayal and misfortune on her and her kind. Is she looking for shelter? Or is she looking for a shoulder to cry on? Maybe she wants someone to lend an ear.
Little birdie is smart as she is beautiful. She looked to her neighbors who are rivals for ages. She sings the songs of blood and sword: betrayal is at its core. She loves the freedom of thought but is imprisoned in her own.
Her eyes have seen a lot of pain. Her tears want to bring about a change. She loves her little country and the countrymen alike; even after so much violence she thinks there is room for change. She wants to clip her own wings just to stay back and help.
The people in our land are skeptical for we have seen bloodshed galore. Do we trust the little Birdie? Do we believe in her songs? She tells us it’s not the people, people from both the countries are kind, it’s the kings and the king’s men who control the game. Setting bounty on the good ones, until there are no more. One of the Noble men says, her beauty might be an illusion meant to confuse us all. Her beautiful voice meant to hypnotize our souls. But I believe in the little Birdie, hope she doesn’t fall.